I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
