Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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