today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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