Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
