Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
