you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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