I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
