Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.