I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
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Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"