HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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