I just pynch a tree in the face
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.