peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
