She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
