I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
