I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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