it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
