tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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