Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
