can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
