Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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