what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
