WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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