He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
