I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
