Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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