The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
