He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
