she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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