The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
