We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
