I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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