Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
