I want to have your abortion
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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