Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
