I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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