i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You smell like stripper and shame
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
