if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
