areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
