I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
