Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Why did my mother make you get naked?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
