Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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