upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
