she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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