Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
