Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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