My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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