From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the day after is always just damage control
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
