I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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