im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
