his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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