I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
