Umm I'm too high to move.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
