I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
