College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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