Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
