i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
