I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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