Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
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