There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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